Villains Debate
by Professor Hyraxi
Summary: Villains from various places, mostly Marvel, D.C. and Disney, as well as others, debate many a quirky and all around ludicrous subjects, often times getting nowhere fast in their flurry of confusion. Just about anything is possible here, and what's with all these heroes trying to spoil their entirely important meetings! All we know is things couldn't be more crazy.
1. Villains

**Disclaimer: I own nothing owned by someone else.**

 **INFO: No spoilers, other then the obvious, E.G. Darth Vader wears a helmet, no kidding?! My younger siblings read this so I'm using the names of 'animals' as substitutes for cuss-words, E.G. "You, sir, are an ostrich/donkey/monkey/etc...**

 **AN: Howdy, readers. Here's a new series I've started featuring all the villains of the rainbow, arguing and debating whimsical and nonsensical subjects, in a serious, corporation-like, environment. Hope you all enjoy. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

 _Villain's debate: Does Santa Claus exist? Let's find out…_

 _Chapter one: Villains._

*Sitting around a long table we know as the debating table, are some of the most notorious villains known to man.

Obadiah, standing in the front row, will be the judge.*

Obadiah: We are here this day to figure out the unanswered question... of the possibility of Santa Claus existing. Imhotep (From 'The Mummy'), start first.

*Imhotep stands up, then sits back down*

OBADIAH: Imhotep, what was that!?

*Imhotep shrugs and then slithers out of the chair and goes under the table*

*Spock (Original Spock) stands up*

SPOCK: Sir, permission to state my opinion."

OBADIAH: Permission granted, Butt wipe.

SPOCK: Sir, I am not a 'Butt wipe' it would be more accurate to refer to me as 'Fart Knocker'. But as I was about to explain, the possibility that Santa Claus existing is a theory that makes perfect sense. Where do all those toys and items originate from? The likelihood of such a phenomena is

999.92 percent accurate therefor logic states that Santa Claus does in fact exi-

*Nero (Lame Villain from Star Trek 2009) stands up fast before Spock can finish his sentence*

NERO: Objection, your honor!  
*Voldemort stands up*

VOLDEMORT: THIS ISN'T COURT YOU IDIOT, THIS IS THE DEBATE ROOM NOW SIT YOUR BIG FAT BUTT DOWN AND LET THIS DUDE SPEAK!... I think he's making a lot of sense… Where do those toys come from, if not Santa Claus…?

OBADIAH: Will everyone please sit there sloth's down!

*Spock, Nero and Voldemort sit down shamefully*

ODADIAH: Now that we have THAT cleared... Will the Joker please state his opinion?

*The Joker stands up*

THE JOKER: There is no Santa Claus.

DUN. DUN. _DUUUUUUN!_

LOKI: Where did you get this information….? _TELL MEEEEEE!_

RAS ALGUL (Batman): My childhood is ruined!

*Spock crying*

DARTH VADER: _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

BORAMIR (The Lord of the Rings): One does not simpl-

*Obadiah stands up*

OBADIAH: Boramir, you're not a villain. Get out of here and Spock I don't know who invited you but you're not a villain either so leave too!

*Spock and Boramir leave shamefully*

OBADIAH: Now… What do you mean by 'no Santa Claus?'

Lex Luther: I believe in Santa Claus.

OBADIAH: You're supposed to ask permission before speaking now _GEEEETTTT OOOOUUUUTT!_

*Lex Luther leaves, sniffling*

OBADIAH: Hey, answer the question!

JOKER: You wanna know how I came to this conclusion?

EVERYONE: YES!

JOKER: Well, I was at the pharmacy waiting for my prescription, when I saw a fat man with a white beard an-

MALFOY: Hey, doesn't this mean there is a Claus? Hey, I hugged The Dark Lord once we're best friends, now-

VOLDEMORT: We are NOT best friends-

MALFOY: Hey, why is he called The Dark Lord, I actually think he might be albino. Hey, I'm really happy that I was invited here, I didn't know I was villainy enough to be here. Hey, am I saying hey too much? Hey, does anyone wanna play Monopoly? Hey, I like cake do you guys like ca-

OBADIAH: _Hey_ , my mistake. You're not villainous enough. Leave.

MALFOY: Bu-butt?

OBADIAH: LEAVE!

*Malfoy leaves, sniffling*

JOKER: As I was saying… I was at the pharmacy waiting for my prescription when I saw a man perfectly Identical to Santa Claus-

BORAMIR: _Santa Claus?!_

*Everyone turns around to look at the window. Boramir, Lex Luther, Malfoy and Spock are holding onto the open window for dear life from the outside trying to hear the Jokers story, big stupid grins on their faces*

*The green Goblin gets up and opens the window even more, so that Boramir, Lex Luther, Malfoy and Spock all fall to their doom*

Boramir, Lex Luther, Malfoy, Spock _: AAAAAAHHHHHH!_

 _*SPLAT*_

*The Green Goblin pokes his head and half his body out the window*

THE GREEN GOBLIN: _WE'LL MEET AGAIN SPIDER MAN!_ *Dracula gets up walks over to The Green Goblin and kicks him in the buttocks so that he falls out the window*

THE GREEN GOBLIN: _AAAAAAHHHHHHH!_

 _*BOING*_

*Everyone except Obadiah gathers around the window*

KAHN (Star Trek, original): He bounced when he hit the surface, bro.

LOKI: How did he do that? _TELL MMMEEEEEEE!_

DARTH VADER: Is he dead Mr. Voldemort?

VOLDEMORT: Yeah, he's dead alright.

DR. OCTAVIUS: He was my friend. *Sniffles*

CAILLU(Whiny bald and annoying kid from cartoon): That's me!

THE RIDDLER: Oh. My. Gosh!

HARVEY TWO-FACE: I know, I'm from Batman too, man!

CRUELLA DE VIL: Not that…

SCAR (The Lion King): Th-th-the bald kid!

CAILLU: That's me!

EVERYONE BESIDES OBADIAH: _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_

OBADIAH: SSSSIIIIILLENCE!

*Everyone shuts up*

VOLDEMORT: Dumbledore, is that you, my friend?

OBADIAH: We are here today for one critical purpose… Who. Is. Santa Claus?! So, everyone sit down and let's hear The Jokers story!

*Everyone quietly sits back down in their chairs.

THE JOKER: So I was at the pharma-

LOKI: _TELL MMMEEEEEEEE!_

KHAN: Shut up and let him tell the giraffing story!

SARUMAN (The Lord of The Rings): 'Seems your curiosity got the better of you this time, Loki.

*Loki Sniffles*

THE JOKER: As I was saying… I was at the pharmacy blah, blah, blah, when I saw Santa Claus. We spoke a little and I asked him if I could tug his beard to see if he's real. I tugged his beard and indeed he was-

GOLLUM(The Lord of the Rings): Then Santy Claus is real?!

The Joker: I'm not finished. I was at the pharmacy blah, blah, blah Tugged Santa Claus's beard blah, blah, blah, and indeed the beard was real. But he was not Santa ANYMORE…

*Everyone looked at The Joker, suspense in the air waiting for him to tell them what he meant by 'ANYMORE'*

THE JOKER: Because he is retired.

DUN. DUN. _DUUUUUUN!_

DARTH VADER: _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

LOKI: Why would he do this to me? _TELL_ -

*Dracula hits Loki across the face before he can finish*

VOLDEMORT: You're my hero, Dracula!

NERO: Bless you Dracula, bless you!

*Nero Sniffles*

OBADIAH: You've finally outdone yourself Dracula, made your fellow villains proud. Ya tried to rid the world of Loki and you succeeded!

*Obadiah sniffles proudly*

*The Riddler Pats Dracula on the shoulder*

THE RIDDLER: I'm Proud of you, son. I'm proud!

*The Riddler is proud*

*Everyone including Obadiah have tears of joy*

*Loki gets back up*

LOKI: _MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_

SWIPER: Aww, man!?

OBADAH: Crap.

RIDDLER: Son… I am disappointed…

OBADIAH: I hate you, Dracula!

*Saruman gets up from his seat and walks over to Dracula*

DRACULA: At least you're still my friend. Right Saruman?  
*Dracula sniffles*

*Saruman slaps Dracula across the face*

*SPLAT*

LOKI: So you're on my side then. Come let us destroy all of Midgar-

*Saruman slaps Loki across the face before Loki can finish*

*SPLAT*

THE JOKER: People, PLEASE! I just stated that Santa Claus is retired!

PLANKTON: Wait! The things you told us do not prove that Santa Claus is retired!

THE JOKER: You are right. I lied because I was bored.

SHERLOCK: BORED!

OBADIAH: So the debate go's on… Wait, Sherlock! Get out of here!

*Sherlock leaves*

OBADIAH: Where are all these not-villain people coming from?

*Spock walks in*

OBADIAH: Well, speak of the giraffin' devil.

SCAR: Mufasa? No, you're dead…!

SPOCK: The very fact that I am here speaking to you 'meanies' proves that I remain alive and well. Also my name is not 'Mufasa', it is Spock."

THE JOKER: I just informed everyone that Santa is still possibly real and NOT retired.

CAPT. BARBOSSA: What arrre ya sayin'?

THE JOKER: I am simply saying that I only told you that Santa Claus was not real because I was bored.

*Sherlock comes back in*

SHERLOCK: BORED!

OBADIAH: GET OUT!  
*Sherlock leaves tearfully*

OBADIAH: Spock you leave too!

*Spock is about to leave when Dr. Octavius uses his mechanical octopus arms to throw him out the window, this time rendering him completely deceased*

SPOCK: _AAAAAHHHHHH!_

SARUMAN: Well done, _Dr._ Octavius…

THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST: Good job there, Octavius!

DR. OCTAVIUS: Aww, it was nutin'

OBADIAH: So… The debate goes on... Loki state your opinion.

LOKI: I was the rightful king of Asgard, but Thor, he-

OBADIAH: No, not that, you flamingo! What. Is. Your. Opinion. On. The. Santa Claus. Debate?

LOKI: How dare you call me flamingo-

SARUMAN: Answer the question, Loki.

*Saruman calmly folds his hands together and places them gently on the table*

*Loki glares at Saruman*  
LOKI: Why do you dislike me Sarum-

*Nero stands up*

NERO: JUST ANSWER THE GIRAFFING QUESTION ALREADY!

*Nero sits back down calmly*

LOKI: Alright I believe in him.

ONE OF DR. HOUSE'S ANNOYING PATIENTS: For what purpose?

OBADIAH: Random, ANNOYING, patient of Dr. House's... Please leave. And Loki proceed.

LOKI: I believe in him because once, when I was a child, there was a burglar in my 'palace' and he had a big white beard and he tricked me into thinking he was giving me presents by placing stuff Odin already owned under a replica of Yggdrasil, while he also ate a bunch of cookies that were gonna be for Thor's birthday. This old man was Santa and ever since I met him, I decided to walk in his mighty footsteps.

*Loki sniffles proudly*

THE JOKER: I honestly do not believe a word you just said, trickster!

THE GREEN GOBLIN: Not to ruin you having a role model, Loki, but Santa is theoretically human which would probably mean he doesn't like you all that much, you being the dude who tried to enslave all humans… By the way, respect, man.

LOKI: Santa is a god, not a human and thanks, I was pretty cool trying to rule Midgard. Hey, where was Spider-Man when I was causing destruction? Aren't his dwellings in New York?

THE GREEN GOBLIN: Oh that lazy so called 'hero' I have to call my archenemy? Yeah he was grabbing the mail for Aunt May in some suburb in New York while all the destruction you created was going on.

LOKI: What a zebra!

THE GREEN GOBLIN: I know, man. I know.

NERO: Man, I don't believe in him because he never gave me presents or anything for Christmas.

DR. OCTAVIUS: Wait, so you don't believe in Spider man? Because it is a fact that he exists. I know, man. I know all too well.

NERO: No not him, Santa Claus. He isn't real he never gave me presents for Christmas.

LOKI: Santa Claus is a god you fool. He would not go half way around the universe to go down your repulsive chimney, step within your disgusting abode, devour the cookies _you_ made and give the likes of _you_ presents.

*Loki glares at Nero, disgusted*

OBADIAH: Umm, yes… We will meet again tomorrow to proceed the debate of the Santa Claus mystery. Everyone is dismissed.

*Everyone leaves solemnly, except for the green goblin, he does not leave solemnly; he leaves like a dumbgoose and he trips and falls on his buttocks, which resulted in three hours of surgery and (ironically) the surgery was the actual reason for his demise; this is denied by Dr. Octavius, also a dumbgoose, The Green Goblins surgeon and pal, but there are several witnesses (including Thor) who claim, Dr. Octavius was guilty of accidentally cutting off The Green Goblins right butt cheek.*

UGLY REPORTER: Sir, you're a civilian. Why, exactly, were you in the surgery room?

THOR: Well, actually I'm prince of Asgard not a civilian… and as for the other question… Uh, I was just, uh… Looking for the restroom and uh… Ya know?

UGLY REPORTER: Why did you stay and watch the surgery.

THOR: Uhh…. Well, I noticed that, uh… That, well… That Dr. Octavius, was doing the surgery wrong and uh… I swear!—

LOKI: I know that witness, he's my brother and he doesn't know penguin about surgery or body parts; he's prejudice against us villains and was planning on making a humiliating YouTube video about The Green Goblins surgery. Don't listen to his deceiving tales!

THOR: NOOOOOOO!

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 **Well, that's the end of that. This will be a multi-chaptered story. I hope you all enjoyed, thanks for reading and until next time! ㈺7㈴2**


	2. The Cheesy Conclusion (Not last chapter)

**Disclaimer: I own nothing owned by someone else.**

 **AN: I hope you all enjoy.**

* * *

 _ **Villains Debate: Does Santa Claus exist? Let's find out…**_

 _ **Chapter Two: The Cheesy Conclusion**_

*All the villains are finally sitting in the debate room, quietly looking towards Obadiah, one of the founding fathers of the debate room, with admiration.*

OBADIAH: Now… Magneto. You were not with us yesterday. What happened?

MAGNETO: A lot of traffic... by the time I got here you were all gone.

*Image of Magneto, from yesterday, being a couch potato and watching A 'Land before Time' sequal.*

OBADIAH: Well, yesterday, we were debating the mystery of whether or not Santa Claus exists. This debate is still going on today; so, since you were not here yesterday, why don't you start.

MAGNETO: Thank you Obie. And Santa Claus definitely exists. He captures innocent mutants that have the ability to carve things at super speed and calls them 'elves', he also uses mutants who can fly and transform into animals and calls them 'reindeer'. Santa Claus is evil and he is one of the many reasons for why ordinary humans are so corrupt.

VOLDIMERT: SANTA CLAUS IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON, YOU SON OF A GERBIL! Also why did the writer call me Voldemert? It's _VoldeMORT._

OBADIAH: Voldemort, Magneto has every right to state his opinion, please do not overreact next time.

*Dumbledore comes in.*

OBADIAH: Alright, you know what? No, NO! Not this time. Not NOW! Dumbledore, leave!

*Dumbledore attempts to leave, but he trips and falls and dies and Dracula throws his corpse out the window, with his POWA!*

JAMES FROM POKEMON: Oh my penguin, what have you done to Santa? You son of a squirrel—

LOKI: That was not Santa… Your eyes play tricks on you, my friend.

JAMES: F-friend?

*James from Pokémon sniffles, tears of joy*

*Professor Snape comes in*

SNAPE: Evening, I don't know if you could refer to me as a 'villain', but I joined anyhow, because I thought this would be a good experience—

OBADIAH: He, who does not know whether he be a villain or flamingo, cannot be a villain; A villain knows when he's a villain. Leave, flamingo.

*Snape leaves, crying*

LUCY FROM CHARLIE BROWN: May I state my opinion?

OBADIAH: You may.

LUCY: I think Loki's abilities to create delusions are so great that he himself has become delusional; I think Voldemort as well as you and just about everyone else are too obsessive over the Santa Claus debate. We should chill a moment!

GOLLUM: THERE'S NO TIME FOR CHILLING WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SANTY CLAUS!

SAND-MAN: Guys, there are more important matters at hand; my daughter penny—

PLANKTON: You know what? No. No, Sand-man. We don't care about your personal life or yourself in general; so please… Just- just shut up- just—please… Please don't talk…

SAND-MAN: But—

PLANKTON: No, no more.

*SAND-MAN SNIFFLES*

*Sand-man glances at Loki who is smirking at him. He glares into Loki's eyes and Loki returns the glare. They sit on opposite sides of the table, glaring. Neither are blinking, Loki's eyes are watering suddenly, when, thank goodness! Sand-man blinks.*

LOKI: Aha! You blinked, man of sand.

SAND-MAN: ELEPHANTS!

OBADIAH: That's enough.

SAND-MAN: Why do I never win Staring-contests?!  
LOKI: It has something to do with you always having sand in your pants, naturally.

OBADIAH: I said that's enough you two! Now… Sand-Man, what is your opinion on the Santa Claus debate?

SAND-MAN: The answer is obvious and simple; like asking whether or not mermaids exist—

THE GREEN GOBLIN: I believe in mermaids!

SAND-MAN: MERMAIDS DO NOT EXIST… nor does Santa Claus exist.

GANDALF: 'Cause they arrive precisely when they mean to.

LUCIFER: That is IT! This was supposed to be a peaceful debate on whether or not Santa Claus exists, we were supposed to always be among friends. Who is on security duty?!

SEPHIROTH: Bowser and Malfoy.

OBADIAH: What? I thought we got rid of that little Schmidt.

RED SKULL: Why are you using my name as an insult?

KHAN: Isn't Schmidt a word for an animal… Like a baboon or something?

RED SKULL: No, you moron. My name just rhymes with something…

JAFAR: Wait… Guys… If The Devil is here, should not he be the one that rules us?

*Obadiah stands up, fiercely*

OBADIAH: ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY AUTHORITY?! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRATUATED A REAL IMPORTANT COLLEGE AND I'M REAL GOOD AT FINGER-PAINTING!

JAFAR: No, no. Pigeons, no, sir. I am simply saying that if you ask me—

THE GREEN GOBLIN: WELL, WE DIDN'T ASK YOU!

*Obadiah sniffles, feeling betrayed*

MAGNETO: Oh, look! Now you've made him cry. YOU DOLPHIN!

OBADIAH: Understand, Jafar. The watchers like to watch Iron Man, thus, they enjoy watching me. The more people there are that know about me and fear me, the more villainy I become.

JAFAR: But the Avengers got more watchers then you. Does that mean Loki should be the ruler of all villains?

*Loki smiles*

OBADIAH: Are you joking? Squirrels, no. He would make a terrible ruler.

*Loki cries*

JAFAR: And you make such a great ruler? Honestly this place has no structure or discipline at all. Look at the incompetence of the security bros. Do you think they would be so bad at their job if they feared you? No. Because they don't fear you. Do you think there would be constant chaos in this room every time someone disagrees if we feared you? No. People don't watch Ironman to inspire fear within themselves. It's not a horror film. It's a superhero movie starring Robert Downey Jr. The only person I know who knows who you are is always mixing up your name with the name Jebidiah or whatever it was, named President Lincoln; but that's beside the point. You are a terrible ruler. And honestly there are more people who know about and fear The Devil than there are people who know about and fear you in the first place. You are donkey.

OBADIAH: You're mean.

*Obadiah cries*

THE BAD (From the Good the Bad and the Ugly): I like cheese.

RAS ALGUL: That is irrelevant.

THE BAD: We should order Gouda cheese.

THANOS: I personally prefer cheddar.

MALEFICENT: Me too.

YZMA: What about feta?

*Obadiah stands up in deep anger*

OBADIAH: We are straying far too far away from the subject at hand! This is not a debate about cheese?

PENNYWISE the Clown: Wait… What if it is a debate about cheese?

*X Files theme plays*

SID from Toy Story: What if… Santa Claus's elves not only give us toys… They also provide us with cheese?

JACK TORRANCE: This makes so much sense… Where else could all this cheese come from?

QUEEN OF HEARTS: CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!

*Cheese falls from the sky*

CLAYTON FROM TARZAN: Oh. My. DOG! Will you _please_ shut up? _PLEASE!_

*Suddenly the clock struck eight PM and the villains knew it was time for them to go to bed*

Obadiah: I need everyone to try figuring out this Santa Clause enigma as hard as they possibly can.

*Some nodded as they filed out the room, Voldemort deciding to show off by doing a handstand walk thingy, not realizing his dress *cough* robe was down and everyone could see his pink boxers with flower patterns and Disney princesses designed on it*


End file.
